Thursday, November 6, 2008

Warning! MCdonalds Monopoly causes gall bladder attacks!

That's it. Not much more to say. Fool for a good story I was. Very first game piece I peeled was Park Place. I was convinced that the clouds had opened and God was shining his white light of luck down on my head.

But once again, a more jaded Christine, realizes McDonald's has made a fool of her. Too many medium cokes, large fries, only one manly steak burrito, and many medium coffee's later I have fallen victim to the gall bladder. Yes, the gall bladder in the human animal is aggravated by grease and other unnatural chemicals. But, egged on, no pun intended, I threw aside my own personal safety for that oh so unreachable dream of winning big. Now I pay the price.

I hate McDonalds.

That's not my baby!

This morning, as I was in the second half of getting ready-I had run Kayla down to the end of the drive to meet the bus and came back to finish the makeup and hair-I was using my daily dose of hair spray to lift and separate my lovely locks- I debated (and yes, I am the queen of the run on sentence, I find that with the artful applications of commas and dashes you can finish a paragraph with the use of only one period and who needs more periods in life?) yes, debated how long would I be able to stand the sound of my daughter singing in a monotone.

I can't stand noise. If it is the same sound and it repeats twice I am on edge. Three times "gets my back up" four times gets a polite request, although there is a bit of an edge to my voice, I don't care who you are employer, client, client's child, priest, to "stop that". But from there it goes straight into a bloody murder, hurts my throat, scream to "knock that off, now!" I find I really roll the o into the w for further reinforcement.

She's just a kid, it's sweet to hear her sing. Singing means she's happy. Get a grip. Chill out. Settle down there, psycho! It's not like she's humming into her bong out there! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh that's right.... there's an incessant monotone noise ringing in my head and all my synapses have stopped firing yet still there is an incessant monotone noise ringing in my head!

So my first yell, a rather calm "BROOKE! STOP THAT!" goes unheeded I can only wait that 3 car lengths behind before I yell "BRROOOKE! KNOCK IT OFF!" Then in response I get this teeny tiny "What?Mom, What?" Well, by now, the beast is loose. "Get in here, now. If you can't hear me you come find me! Don't stand there yelling "what??' Get over here!" "NOW!"

Of course this little girl of mine is no fool and I hear the footsteps coming quickly down the hall. I turn to explain to her for the millionth time that Mommy can't stand noise and she needs to sing in her head but not one word comes out of my mouth.

Standing in the door way of my bathroom is this little girl. A little girl with a mini skirt dress, black leggings, a hot pink jacket that of course spells out "princess" in white glittery letters. Her hair is slicked back into a pony tail and stuck in her ears are headphones connected to the CD player in her hands.

This is not my little girl. My little girl is just little. She was born little. She weighed 4lbs and a couple odd ounces and fit in my husbands' hand. One day she learned to walk and spent a lot of time walking away from me but would always come back when she was tired or hungry or just plain put out. My little girl started kindergarten this year. She was so nervous about following the rules that she talked about it in her sleep. I know because she snuck into bed with me that night. This creature in front of me was not my baby. She is, and always will be my child, but in that minute I saw just a little too far into the future.

"What Mom? What?"

"Nothing, honey, Mommy just wanted to know what you were doing. Go listen to your music, I will be ready to go in a minute."

I hate to see her walk away. It's one of my least favorite things. But the morning was slipping away and now I had to re- do my mascara.

Monday, October 20, 2008

How I told my 6 year old she was getting shots.

From an e-mail to Misschell:

But for right now I have to get that girl bathed and dressed before I break the news to her that she's getting shots. How should I do it? Listen, little girl, this won't be the worst thing that ever happens to you! Ever heard of cramps? Or, how bout all that trash talk you hear about from Cinderella? Know why there hasn't been a re-make? Cuz, little Cindy doesn't want to tell the world that her prince comes with a hairy pickle and ferments farts out of his butt when he sleeps. No, no, little girl, you just shut up and let the nurse jab you and Mommy will get you an ice cream after wards so that you can further develop your need for sugar and carbs.

late this summer, sorry hubby!

Just got in a huge fight with Muuuurky waters. I am tired beyond tired and he just crossed a line. Telling me he needs me to get his boat listed on Craigs List- tomorrow. "Boat season is ending, ya know". Really, when is the deadline? What else ya got going? Is that it? Gotta hit that deadline? Then has the nerve to tell me "It's not his fault I had to go shopping 2 days in a row." Keep in mind that's school shopping, one day with Kayla who ran out of medicine and can't stop talking or wiggling and is prone to sudden outbursts of strange but not quiet noises. The next was spent with the child who can't stop complaining or whining and reminds me so much of her dad I'd like to put her back in the oven until she comes out as a mini me like she was supposed to. But, it's not like I have to do the shopping and all the other stuff any time soon, after school starts- time will magically reproduce itself and hours will appear in the day, teaching will be a dream, the sitter will be my new best friend as will both teachers, the school Secretary who hated me for a whole year- what a toughie she was -will suddenly send me home itineraries personalized to my two children. But I digress because my point is- what the hell do you know about anything, Murk? Do you even Know what an immunization is? Has your daughter had any in her life? What day does school start? Does she have to bring anything? Hey, maybe the school passes out immunizations with mid-day snack- what do ya think, pal? And guess what- if you are willing every morning to cross the road which is some kind of demarcation point for the busing systems- your kids can be picked up by bus number eight. And where do they get dropped off? At daycare, and which bus does that route? So until you start fermenting farts with extra hours to be inserted into my day- back off and go sleep on your boat, don't tell me to quit bitching all the time and maybe, just maybe I would take a day off with my friends so that I can stop being such a bitch except that because I spent the day babysitting at Michigan's adventure (whose big idea was that?) I am really far behind, can never take a day off and am going to kill you in your sleep!!!! That is unless your farts are too much for me to overcome.----------

Late last Spring

So in the morning, when you have waited twenty minutes while a 6 year decides to finally swallow the medicine that will keep you from murdering her and then you have to convince her that if it is pouring down rain most likely her field day will be held in the gym and that she should not wear her winter jacket with the hood up because, again, field day will be held in the gym, and to get the hell out of the closet because she does not need her winter boots because MOM Is REALLY SURE that field day will be in the GYM- inside the building, and no, we will not have time to cut her bangs so she can see better and MOM is sorry that she put the ponytail on the other side of her head but we can't re-do it, because, we spent twenty minutes making sure she took the pill that keeps MOM from murdering her instead of hiding in her underwear.
In the morning when all of this is going on and you have already decided that she will be tardy for school this morning- do not even think, for one minute, not for one second that it is ok to put your make-up container on top of the car. Do not listen to the voice that says it's ok to put it there because the second your hands are free you will grab it. Listen to the voice that says -"that's not a good idea, you'll be picking your make up off the road in a very short time" because I don't know.... if that voice is psychic or just remnants of the brain you were meant to have but..... Ten mile road is a very busy road to be picking up your make-up off of, especially in the rain. Which I am not sure why I didn't again listen to the voice that said "don't even bother" because while a two dollar bottle of nail polish was in relatively good shape there was no sign of my 12.00 bottle of foundation. Now foundation is a good word for that particualr part of the make-up process, as with out it nothing else will really take hold and stay for the day. For me, make up is the foundation of my day. Which is pretty much shot at this point. C.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

wanted- cheap bluetooth, doesn't need to work

Finally figured it out today. All I need to get people to stop staring at me when I drive around town is a bluetooth or other such device. Yep, one for each ear, so that no matter what side of me you are on you will think I am having a lively conversation with another person. All these years of trying to hold back the constant conversation I am having with my self- DONE! I am free to ramble on! No longer do I have to worry about all those cars that drove off the side of the road after staring into my car trying to see where the other person was. I am free! Thank you bluetooth technology. Thankyou!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Ok, I am going to sign out and log back in and then if I don't see my post you will never hear from me again because I am going to commit suicide. Or go to work, one of the two.
Seriously? Do I have to save them before they will publish? It's not like I can be great on command? The moment is lost!
what happened to my post?

McDonald's Expose!

Holy cow! Getting all this blogging stuff figured out was hard- is hard!

Driving through the big M today I was greeted by a very cheerful voice (Kathy, I have developed a relationship with her) saying "Good Morning would you like an iced coffee this morning?" To which I responded "Are you crazy? It's freezing out here, I'd like a hot coffee to pour over my feet- Please!" Instant laughter from her and a male. Pulling up to the window she tells me - "I have to change the message on my headset, now that it's colder!"
"Message?" I say thinking- what? All this time I have not really been greeted by a live person but rather an answering machine? I feel tricked, a little like the person being told "you're not my only girlfriend" well, maybe not that extreme! They fake it, folks! They fake it! It really is just a business.
So that girl who I thought all this time was on a personal crusade to make sure the new McDonald's cookies were a success? Every time I have heard her asking me or the car in front of me- "would you like some fresh baked cookies today? They're only three for a dollar?" It wasn't an effort on her part to up sell at all! I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing? I did think she was a little pushy- of course we all want those cookies, they're great- all warm and melty. It took a lot of effort for me to deny the chocolate chip craving and order the cinna- mini's instead! By the way did you know that cinnamon naturally stabilizes your blood sugar and reduces cravings throughout the day? It really does work. Honest. Have to go- am at work.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

getting started- again

just testing the waters...