Sunday, November 27, 2011

Meet Headless Amy

Warning!!!!  There is some uncomfortable nudity in this post.  Let me temper that with the fact that most nudity is uncomfortable for me. 
(Hey- I won't look at your parts if you promise not to look at mine.  Well, actually- even if you do happen to inadvertently see something of mine I am still going to try like Hell not to see anything of yours.) 

So what is this oddity below?  Why is there a creepy head in a creepy cage?  And why share that?  Because that's me.  I share. 

Headless Amy came about in protest to the unfairness of my children being able to play with dolls that look like friendly and fashionable monsters.  If you haven't heard of Monster High Dolls just means you don't have kids in the 8-11 age group.  I find them hilarious.  I hated those slutty Bratz dolls.  Thanks, people for sending my girls the message that "hot" means barely dressed.  It really conflicted with my message that hot means don't touch the stove. 

Monster High dolls are not particularly more covered by appropriate clothing but they also do not look like creatures you are likely to run into in school tomorrow.  (Duh, they have their own school!)  Plus, they sport monikers like 'Cleo Denial" and Frankie Stein (every school needs a good Jewish family) and Dracu Laura and Ghoulia Yelps and my daughter's favorite- Clawdeen Wolf.  I'm sold! 

Monster High Frankie Stein Doll

Monster High Dawn of the Dance Clawdeen Wolf Doll

But...I'm also too old for Barbies, undead or otherwise.  "Fine!  I exclaimed as we were cleaning one day.  I'll take this one!"  And I grabbed the dollar store Barbie that had been missing a head for awhile.  "Mom!" they stated incredulously "That's a Barbie Doll!"  "No, its Headless Amy and she'd be happy if you remembered to use her name!"

So this is where I begin with Headless Amy.  She did need a head.  How else would she see where she was going.  But not having her eyes in the same location as the rest of her has led to some unfortunate incidents.  Amy is a resourceful soul and quite determined to carry on with her day.  So when she lost her foot (that's a story for another post) well, she just took stock of her belongins' and came up with a foot of a different kind.  That accident with her arm might have been avoided...but it wasn't.  A sewing kit and a few other odds and ends kept in the junk drawer fixed that right up.  You get the picture.   

Amy is nothing if not fashion conscious as well.  Its a lot though, getting through those every day to do lists and looking pretty.  Sometimes a girl just has to grit her teeth, put on her big girl panties and just keep moving forward.  Do you think she realized she's not wearing any panties today????  She'll have some soon.  And, so now you have met...Headless Amy.  A bit of a departure from my last project!


Oh, and these......well, let's just say I earned them.  If I hear the jingling of sleigh bells  ...I'll know its the U.P.S. man bringing me my shoes.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Descriptions of Chris

Ever had an employee review?  Remember the comment section of your report card?  Did you ever hear phrases like these?  If so...I like you.

Not quite square- peg in a round world.

Flunked out of "ordinary".

Doesn't think outside of the box because...she lost the box and is still looking for it.

Reliably tardy and somewhat foolhardy.

Is at war with reality.

Doesn't quite fit the mold.

Easily lost in minutia.

Still contemplating a style of frame to fit "the big picture."

Carries the world on her shoulders and is armed only with a good support bra.

Have a good week everyone!

Monday, November 14, 2011

What if this were my last post, ever?

Man, I had a busy weekend...some friends threw a surprise party for me...(It was great- thanks, ladies!)...I'm way behind on the ole' schedule.  So I thought what if I just don't post this week- that would be alright- right?  And then the thoughts came creeping in....what if I was in a horrible accident and never posted again...and my last ever post was my bare naked face covered in huge mountainous zits?

So if you can give me just a couple of days I'll post may be my explanation of how I fumbled the whole "this is where babies come from" fiasco.  It may be this hilarious story that Kayla wrote- and when I say hilarious I mean it- she's a genius.  Or it could be about our not so recent discovery that she has O.D.D. which stands for Oppositional Defiant Disorder, commonly associated with ADHD.  Or it could be about Headless Amy- my newest art doll/self portrait/new friend.  I'm obsessed with her right now.  Probably why I don't have a post ready and why my floors never got mopped.
Oh, the decisions to be the way, did I mention that my friends (Chinamommy and Cheeky Green) threw me a surprise party??  There are pictures.....

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I thought it would go differently....

Remember how busy I was with the whole sculpture/artprize thingy?  Well there were a lot of things that happened this summer I wanted to share with my blogger friends.  Why you?  Because you like me and I like that about you.  I think all of us who blog get that we are doing it because we need an outlet and a way to document for posterity's sake all the weird things that happen in our lives. 

Two things recently, big things in my little world that I pictured going just a bit more smoothly.

1.  The 25th class reunion

2.  My young daughter learning about the facts of life.

Now, when I explain the 25th class reunion I should explain that it did go well.  It was a blast.  Thanks to Facebook a lot of the awkwardness was avoided.  About a year ago we, the classmates that are friends on FB started discussing the reunion and someone suggested creating a page which I did, mainly because I happened to read the suggestion look to the side bar and see the words "create a page".  Turns out, I was able to do just that, create a page.  Next thing you know people were posting pictures, getting in touch with each other, discussing 80's music- it was all good.  Thanks, Facebook!
But.... whether or not you think you care about what you look do.  I swore I didn't.  I lost a little weight after a recovering from an illness.  Funny how feeling so-oo-ooo  much better makes it easier to do that!  It showed and I was happy!  It was summer so I had a tan.  The hair was good.  (NOT so much now!)

However.... some where, some time...long a past life... I must have done something really bad.  I mean- unforgivable...maybe not murder but maybe something more like sleeping with every married man in the neighborhood bad....something out of Wysteria Lane kinda bad...because...

The week of the reunion I broke out.  In the really big hormonal zits.  The ones that look and feel like small mountains that change the geography of your face...those zits.  Tuesday there was one.  I was mice, if you see signs of one you can bet there's more.  Wednesday there were three.  I couldn't help it.  I panicked.  I picked.  I called everyone.  They all said- "DON'T PICK" but they may as well have been screaming into the wind.  I picked.  By then I had two days for those to the way "no joy" these pimples are more like tumors.  This was bad.  Should I miss the re-union?  A sudden unexpected death in the family or merely called out of town on business? By the time Saturday came along there were six of various sizes and projection.

Well, as women do, my colleagues gathered round.  My boss brought me some of her trusted pimple cream and another lotion.  Immediately I could tell by the burn that it was working.  I went to the tanner.  by Saturday morning I knew it was as good as it was going to get.  I decided to document everything because this was just too hard to believe other wise.  I can do this.  I am an artist for a reason.  Time to paint a pretty picture.  Or at least one that is pretty till the second drink. 

Yep, those are my best paint brushes and my paint tray.  On it my best make up and my new blemish concealer.
Now I should tell you that I flake.  And flaking I was- right on those blemishes I just couldn't leave alone.  Having tons of experience with makeup and flaking skin I know that the makeup is just going to soak into the flaky area and look- well, flaky.  So off  must come the flakes.  Now, the tricky part- not removing the new skin underneath.  Know those rotary brushes you are supposed to use with cream to oh- so gently stimulate your complexion?  I used it oh- so- gently- dry, no lotion, until I was pretty sure I wasn't getting any more dead skin off.  Yeah- I knew I'd pay for that in the upcoming week but I'd pay that bill later....Next, the skill full application of makeup.  Hey- I'm 42, I have some make up skills- don't you?

 This is during.  First I went around the blemish in a circle because that area is darkest.  Then on top.  I let that dry and then applied my foundation.  (Pretty bad when your foundation has to have a foundation, heh?)

 Here's one where I don't look maniacal.

So then, knowing it was the best I could do my hubby and I went to the re-union.  It was a blast.  I was very glad to have seen every one and I even shared with just a few what I had gone through to get there.  They applauded my bravery.  Actually I don't think they were terribly interested in discussing my acne and just wanted to move the conversation along.   

So here's the proof that all went fairly well and the evening was certainly a lot of fun.  The zits?  Caused by a new birth control pill that is supposed to help with skin problems.  "Once in awhile some one comes along and has the opposite reaction..." I was told later when I said to my health professional "Hey- believe it or not, I do have to be seen in public..."  All is much better now, those hormones leveled themselves least on my surface layer anyways....

Oh!  My child learning about the facts of life.....I'll tell you about that another went really smoothly...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Halloween Reasons I Shouldn't Be A Mom

1.  After watching way-ay-ay too many scary movies while forcing the children to fold laundry my daughter says.."Mommy....I'm scared...."  and I reply with a question "Why?  Do you see dead people?"

2.  On the trick or treat trail through the never ending subdivision I decide I am tired and want to be done.  When I tell the girls that I want to turn around and go back they cry like little sissy babies and say they don't have enough candy yet.  Always the problem solver, I tell them to switch jackets and hit up the houses again.

3.  When the perfect one staunchly says no, she won't do it, I suddenly have a vision of her years later as the crabby librarian with the wart on her nose telling all the fun kids to shush up.  I offer her a dollar and actually use the phrase "C'mon, you know you want to!"

4.  When the only home owner who has a clue recognizes my little criminals I loudly state (as they shuffle back to me empty handed)..."And that what it feels like to get caught cheating...."

Some or all of the above may be decide!

PS. Brooke- I wasn't born yesterday and I found your candy in the first place I looked for it!