Dear Staff, Friends and Co-Workers.
It is with deepest regret that I inform you I will not be able to join you at work today. I am currently in my basement, under the stairs adjacent to a northwest, southeast wall for fear of a wandering tornado. I have the phone in one hand with 911 on speed dial and a fire extinguisher in the other. I am wearing rubber-sole shoes in the event of a lightning strike, a swimsuit and life preserver in the event of a flood and a warm parka in case of sudden winter weather.
Don’t worry I have packed a few supplies. I have a gallon of fresh water, a six pack and a box of crackers- (good for munchies, hangovers and morning sickness). I have a pipe wrench in case of burglary or failing pipes.
However, could you please send over a bottle of Paxil, a bag of maxi pads and a priest who is familiar with the last rites?
With sincere gratitude,