Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Chris- on behaving badly

To my co-worker:

I know, I know, don't think I don't!!!! I know when I have behaved badly- freaking out like some wack job but I'd like to point out a few things in my defense.

Hellllooooo! I'm havin a visit from Auntie Flo, Ok? Yesterday I thought my head was going to fall off my neck at 5:00 fffing am. I thought perhaps Mark had finally buried an axe in my brain but I couldn't see it cuz, well, things don't work the same way when there's an axe in your brain. Somehow, I dragged myself off the bed and made scrambled eggs because I know there's protein and relatively little flavor. Literally I sat on the sofa for 20 minutes and manged three bites. That was at 7:00 a.m. Amazingly- by only ten after 9:00 I had conquered nausea and was able to walk through the door at Gallery - amazingly- by merely putting one foot after the other. Let me just say, though, driving skills are compromised when you have an axe in your brain.

I managed to draft most of the morning even though the numbers and lines kept converging. By 11:00, I was fairly certain I would be able to keep some coffee down and the three bites of egg had dissapated so a coffee/bran muffin run was due. By early afternoon, three tylenol and three aspirin made light coversation an attainable goal and I was able to pretend to be human.

Friday consisted of "yeah! the axe fell out and now I am down to merely cramps that inspire images of corkscrews- but oh my god, what blood type am I, because I am most certainly going to need a transfusion." But while my anorexic boss had nurtured her eating disorder the previous day, I, on the opposite side of the fence am sporting cantelopes where my cow boobs used to be and a watermelon is sitting on top of my bladder and none, I repeat- none, of my clothes will fit atround it! My legs feel like spagetti but look like ravioli noodles. My face looks like a mouse has nibbled on my nose and cheeks overnight and for god sake! And, honest, I am not lying, somebody's kid got toothpaste on the hairbrush which of course I didn't figure out right away so I had to wash my hair twice this morning because, nothing, nothing gets toothpaste out of hair.

Now, normally, you should be worried about my children but let me re-assure you they are ok as I have not the strength to yell at them. Ok, I do not have the strength to chase them down and beat them. On an upbeat note, I think they may have a future in track- sprinting, most likely.

I refuse to change my life or take a sick day for a period. I can get through a day. I don't care what you throw at me I can get through a day. But maybe not the second day. Maybe, a sick day would have been the better choice. I don't know. But maybe, just maybe you can cut me a little slack because next week I will be the pillar of strength, the calm in the midst of the storm, the guiding light, the shining example of a positive attitude.

But not right now. Right now, I hate pillars of strength. Calm people make me want to hurl. Guiding lights- need to be extinguished, people with positive attitudes- well they need the air let out of their tires, figuratively and literally.

So I hope this sheds some light on my behaviour today. But not too much light as I intend to pretend it never happened.

Have a good weekend and remember, you are a designer, trust your instincts, not your co-workers who might be under the influence. Remember, hormones are chemicals, too.

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