Sunday, February 6, 2011

Some Not So Nice Things to Hear all in one week.

You know....there are just some things don't really need to be discussed. There are... some things that you just don't talk about in polite company. Its just not mannerly. That's what blogs are for!!!!
So if you are squeamish or uptight- this is your departure point. Fair warning.

I'm going to take you through a tour of my last week in an organized manner. I'm going to give you the defining sentance and then the back story. Funny but they all seem to be directed to my attention....
(I'm going to use an alias here, for obvious reasons and because sometimes I'm paranoid that the police are looking for me.)

1. "Mrs. Collier- could you hold for Principal Smith?" Back story- I'm in tile store shopping and chatting with the salesperson who unfortunately knows and sees me on a regular basis when my cell rings and I see the school phone number. I swallow and try to act natural.

2. "Mrs. Collier, I'm sorry to bother you but there's a problem. Kayla brought some little bottles to school in her backpack. She took them out at lunch today. She says she thought they were food flavoring and I believe that but...they were alcohol. I've checked the policy book and unfortunately Kayla has to be suspended for 1/2 a day. I'm so sorry but could you come pick her up?"
Backstory- two years ago for my 40th birthday I was given a sample pack of schnapps, four different fruit flavors. I don't drink sweet alcohol. I'm German/Irish and prefer a nice beer. I'm also the child of hoarders so how could I throw out three perfectly good, free, pretty little bottles of schnapps when we all know the minute I throw them out I will need them for something. At that moment I had to decide if I should go in to all that with the principal just to let this kind, decent, upstanding man know that I am not a raging alocoholic or if I should please ask him to return all four bottles so I can hit them in the parking lot before I go home with my child.

3. "Mrs. Collier, this is your doctors office returning your call about the perscription...we don't really believe your pharmacy when they say that the medicine is backordered and no one can get it. If you could call around to all the other pharmacies and then let us know we'd then be happy to call in the script to that pharmacy. If you could do it right away- we leave for the day in twenty minutes." Backstory- I'm sick. I have a temp of 101. I barely made it to the phone and I want to cry but sure, in order to keep medical costs down across the country, I..."I" will call all the pharmacies looking for a drug I can't pronounce. And then I'll call you back. No prob.

4. "Mrs. Collier, I need to advise you about this medicine you've been perscribed. You can't have any contact with alcohol while you are on it and for three days afterwards or else you will become violently ill. We mean mouth wash, cold medicines, etc. And some people have become violently ill just being in contact with lotions or perfumes containing alcohol. We recommend you avoid using any product with alcohol in it."

Back story- Whoa! Stop right there! Sir, this is not the medicine for me. Violently ill? Doesn't that strike fear in the heart of every woman on this earth? But wait, good news! I now have confirmation for the principal that Kayla's parents are not raging alcoholics true fear is not, I say, not going without alcohol but rather....going without hairspray. Yep. Lots of alcohol in hairspray. Lots of ugly in my flat limp hair.

5. "Yes, Mrs. Collier, that is a normal reaction to that medicine. This is the one that gets all the girls. Extreme nauseau is completely normal when taking a medicine of this strength. Your body doesn't recognize that the medicine is here to help quite yet and is fighting back. Have you started with the diarhea yet?"
Do I need a back story there? Like I said, if your squeamish your departure point was way back. Like way, way, back, before you clicked on his blog!
So, friends, I have not been to your blogs recently and I do apologize. However, when life returns to crazy normal instead of complete and utter hell (I can do anything but queazy, anything, its my Cryptonite.)then I will be right back with you, hairsprayed and all!


  1. Oh I feel for you, I truly do!! Get well soon hon!

  2. why does it all seem to converge on us all at once and in heaping piles? I can't even believe the doctor's office had you call around for your medicine!! I hope you feel better soon!! ♥

  3. Boo. Not a good week. Maybe if you had taken care of the schnapps at the beginning of the week, all the rest might not have bothered you so much! Add 18 inches of snow and another 8 coming, and you have my life!

  4. Don't forget: my birthday IS coming and I DO like sweet alcohol! :)
    Hang in there....what else can ya do?! We will do lunch ASAP, once YOU are available that is. Are you just playing hard to get with me?

  5. Did I read "throw it out" in reference to the alcohol????? Really??? You do have friends who drink sweet alcohol - and one "green" one in particular who's not opposed to re-gifting.

    Hope you feeling better - I won't ask any details!!!


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