" I think you just dropped your....ahem....uterus?"
"No, sir, that is definitely not my uterus there on the floor of this busy shopping mall!"
"Are you sure? I could have sworn I saw..."
"Sir, I think I would know if if an organ fell out of my body, especially here in a crowded shopping mall. Now, if you'll excuse me...I must be going. Good Day!"
Geesh! What happened to the good old days when if something awful happened, like your pantyhose falling down around your ankles, problems could be solved by simply stepping out of them and continuing to walk away? You can sneakily kick a pair of nylons away towards a garbage can but... a uterus? Well that's got weight to it. What if it goes airborne? Can you imagine that? It hits the window of the Gap with a solid plop and then starts to slide down making those squishy squeaky noises like your children's Slime and leaving a slimy path behind until it finally hits the floor with a another solid wet 'plop'. No, best to deny, deny, deny and rush away. Its not like you'd want it back anyways.
But what if its connected? To other things? Probably best to rush away to the nearest exit because right after the large creepy uterus there could be an ovary or two...now those would probably roll away a bit more successfully with just a slight but intentional nudge of your toe. Ugh- can you see it? The ovary, once formerly know as yours....rolling over the granite tiled floor of the mall, picking up speed until.....the 300 pound woman in the courtesy wheelchair runs it over with out ever knowing it...ugh, what a way to end a personal relationship.
Probably best to just stay out of the shopping malls for a while....
"No, sir, that is definitely not my uterus there on the floor of this busy shopping mall!"
"Are you sure? I could have sworn I saw..."
"Sir, I think I would know if if an organ fell out of my body, especially here in a crowded shopping mall. Now, if you'll excuse me...I must be going. Good Day!"
Geesh! What happened to the good old days when if something awful happened, like your pantyhose falling down around your ankles, problems could be solved by simply stepping out of them and continuing to walk away? You can sneakily kick a pair of nylons away towards a garbage can but... a uterus? Well that's got weight to it. What if it goes airborne? Can you imagine that? It hits the window of the Gap with a solid plop and then starts to slide down making those squishy squeaky noises like your children's Slime and leaving a slimy path behind until it finally hits the floor with a another solid wet 'plop'. No, best to deny, deny, deny and rush away. Its not like you'd want it back anyways.
But what if its connected? To other things? Probably best to rush away to the nearest exit because right after the large creepy uterus there could be an ovary or two...now those would probably roll away a bit more successfully with just a slight but intentional nudge of your toe. Ugh- can you see it? The ovary, once formerly know as yours....rolling over the granite tiled floor of the mall, picking up speed until.....the 300 pound woman in the courtesy wheelchair runs it over with out ever knowing it...ugh, what a way to end a personal relationship.
Probably best to just stay out of the shopping malls for a while....
ok.. didn't get it at all but that's ok.. i'm glad to be back here :D
ReplyDeleteI know, I know- its weird! I'm just processing some health issues, right now!
ReplyDeleteOMG! That is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteWhen I got to the "squishy squeaky noises" part , I swear coffee came out of my nose.
I had a hysterectomy about 8 years ago and it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me☺
You really should consider stand-up comedy!
ReplyDeleteUm... I think you should leave the old wine alone for a while. And the acid.
ReplyDeleteWhen you mentioned this post on my blog I thought you were kidding. LOL Just hilarious!
ReplyDelete--Susan