Saturday, December 12, 2009

Why is it?

Why is it that when someone says to me
"Do you want to....?" I say yes. Have since I was just a wee thing. Unfortunately I had a tendency to say yes to all the naughty things as well as the not so naughty things.
But why is it that when some says to me
"You should......"
My first response is "Really? I should?....with a raised eyebrow and absolutely no intention of doing "that" unless I already was doing "that" because, of course I was smart enough to know that already, Thank you very much.
And if someone wants my full and immediate attention all they have to say is
"Have you ever...?"
Everything else stops in my world until I check my internal log of all the things I have ever done and then the sublist of all the things there are actually witnesses to and if no witnesses exist whether or not I want to admit to having done the "thing". Also, if the answer is no, I will need a moment to process whether or not I want to do the "thing" so forgive me if there seems to be an awkward pause while I stare unblinkingly at you-I am not seeing you but rather every and all possible consequences of doing the "thing". It is, indeed, sometimes painful to be me and I imagine sometimes painful to know me.

Now, if someone says to me
"You know you want to!" the statement will illicit a giggle. Even if I never wanted to do the "thing" I am rendered helpless at the thought of doing the "thing" because somehow I just know I shouldn't and so of course I just might and that makes me giggle behind my hand that flew up to catch- but didn't- the giggle.

Once in awhile this very annoying person in my life likes to say-
"Well, you wouldn't know this but...."
Which makes the hair on my neck stand up because how in the hell would you know what I do or don't know? Have you seen a televised version of my life? I've been places, I've seen all kinds of things you don't know about, done that and been there, lady! Take it from me folks, starting sentences with phrases like that will not endear you to many. Can you imagine answering that statement? "You are so right, of course I don't know that until you, Goddess of All Knowledge, tell me that, thus enriching my lowly life" Yeah? Puke! Arrgh!

Here's the short list of my responses to all opening statements- these are involuntary to me they just happen.

"Can you......?" "Well of course I can but it doesn't mean I will!"
"Will you ......?" "For God's sake what do you want from me, now?"
"Can I........ ?" "NO!"
"Can I Please.......?" "Didn't I just say NO!!!???"
"What if....?" " Well, I don't know! What do I look like the answer queen? Figure it out already, I'm burning dinner!"
"Can I sometime....?" "Uh, Uh, the answer is still NO!"
"You know you want to......? " "****giggle****"
"Do you think........?" "Are you really asking me or just sucking up to make me think you actually care what I think? I wasn't born yesterday- as you keep reminding me!"

Now that I have explained all that to you-
Any questions????

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