Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Can I be in your movie?

Geesh! I thought I wouldn't blog much this week- I even stated that in my last cute and fuzzy post. But today I checked in on friend Chinamommy and saw this-

sidebar-You should know that Chinamommy and I are quite good friends and are similar in so-o-o-o many ways and that I adore her. (She adores me, too, why wouldn't she?)We have the sacred ability (not born onto many, reserved for quirky people like us) to take ordinary events, facts and features and really distort them until they are no longer recognizable in a way that makes ordinary people squish up their face sideways, mutter "you're a little strange, I don't get you..." and then sidle away like the cowards that they are.

Here's her post- a portion anyways-

Jamie Lee Curtis, although I love her children's books and she's a fellow adoptive mama, she bugs me!

This woman is BEGGING me daily from the television to make a movie about my digestive system!
Really Jamie?? 'cause girl, you KNOW i would!!
If I eat her yogurt, I'm going to poop everyday in the easiest way! Hey Jamie, perhaps it's TMI, but just because YOU are the one bringing it up... I'm all good in the potty dept, but...
IF you really want that movie, you wouldn't have to twist my arm to hard...
Remember, I'm the girl with the
I ❤ to Fart
I would like to add...
what happened to my cute, glittery blog about crafts and etsy love?
I find it hard to stay on topic... NO, really???!!!!
Don't worry, I will continue to sprinkle glitter amongst my poo stories and don't worry friends, IF I make that Activia movie I will only make Jamie Lee Curtis watch it (while tied to a toilet in Mobile, Alabama...

HEY CHINAMOMMY! I want to be in your poo movie! Not cuz I like poo or farting. You and I both know I have issues about "bathroom matters" even now I can barely type those words. I want to squish up my face and sidle away like the clever coward that I am. Hey, I use the bathroom- everyone does. I just don't want to talk about it. I remember being beside my grandmother in her sick bed and the doctor asking about her "movements" which about made me faint- did he not see me there- in the room? Hellooo....dignity, people, they call it dignity!!! She crabbily answered while wringing her hands- " I don't know why everyone is so interested in my bathroom habits!" And there I was going "Hey, I'm with you Grandma! I don't want to know about your activities anymore than you want to talk about them!"

But, here's my role as I see it! I'm the commentator. The very uncomfortable commentator who can't quite believe she drew the short straw for this job. The one who would rather do the director in a back lot trailer than do this movie. (Well, maybe she would- she doesn't really want to be bothered with sex either...but other than that she's perfectly normal- right?) The commentator that struggles with maintaining her professionalism as she discusses the uncomfortable issue. The commentator that can't quite maintain her expression because her face keeps distorting into that- I just had a bug fly in my mouth and now I am chewing it slowly- expression. And as the commentator is supposed to be reading the script she keeps slipping in comments about how her mother always said she would be a good nurse and if she could stand bodily fluids she might have considered it but instead- chose TV as a career.

Yeah, consider this my application for the position. I think we could do something here- something big, no pun intended! Jamie Lee would be rolling on her $100/yd wool carpet watching our movie- especially when you slip into your wig and do your Granma imitation- rubbing your belly and exclaiming "Oh- misery!"

Here's a list of words I'd like to stay away from-
(oh, that one I have abolished from my mind that means- oh yeah, excrement!)
fecal anything
etcetera, etcetera

I could substitute words like my safe words (Fluffy White Bunnies, Fluffy white bunnies...)

And my exiting scene would be me in the fetal position saying just that...Fluffy white bunnies...fluffy white bunnies....

Let me know, Chinamommy- I'm ready to start rolling film....

And that's a wrap, for today!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Hey! Last time I asked you for help blogging you said you were going to stick a needle in my eye- so pardon me if I stay on my side of the town- cuz you know- I have a thing about eyeballs, too!

  3. oh sorry about that... I was annoyed the mister kept interrupting me during GLEE... that being said: that is your funniest post EVER, I seriously couldn't quit laughing!
    As Donald would say: YOU'RE HIRED!

  4. Why'd you delete your comment? I liked it!


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